I am by nature NOT an adventurer. I completely panic when I need to go somewhere new. I do not want to jump out of plane, zip-line through a rain forest, swim with sharks, or bungee jump. I am not a fan of heights and the idea of trusting a railing on balcony...well don't get me started. My heart pounds just typing these experiences that I never EVER want to experience.
So when my sweet man says he believes that God wants our next step in ministry to be one that will require us to be 100% dependent on other people to provide financially, I may have smiled and said, "I am all in", but the reality is I felt anxious and unsure. There was not one part of me hesitant about Scott joining the Makarios family. There was not one part of me that doubted that Scott would be amazing at the job and the ministry would be perfect for Scott. There was not one part of me that hesitated in wanting to join Scott and Makarios.
But the what-ifs began to plague my restless mind.
Would people really give financially every month to help?
Would this job change keep Scottie from being able to attend her amazing school?
Would we be anxious every month and unsure if we could pay our mortgage?
Would people judge us if we took our kids on vacation? Or bought another car?
Would I be OK with the lack of control over where the money comes from?
Ah, control. You see, ultimately it is a control issue for me. The dependability a "normal" job gives our family gives me a false sense of control. Scott has been laid off before and I didn't feel out of control. Scott has worried about his job stability and whether he would still have a job, but I didn't feel out of control. There is something very vulnerable about asking others to support your family, so that your husband can work full time for a non-profit ministry. There is something vulnerable about relying on others to give monthly to your family. There is something vulnerable about resigning a job without knowing when the next pay check will arrive in your bank account.
When we read New Testament accounts of the disciples leaving jobs to follow Jesus, we learn that they completely relied on the generosity of other believers. When did we lose this sense of community and complete abandonment to ministry? They had no control over who would feed them their next meal...ok, so Jesus was with them and He had this ability to multiply fish and bread to feed thousands. But isn't that same Jesus with Scott? Me? My family?
Vulnerability = Lack of Control
In order to be vulnerable, I need to give away the control I so desperately wrap my hands around hoping that I can alter the outcome in our favor.
In order to be vulnerable, I must be willing to bare all, including our finances and monthly budget.
In order to be vulnerable, I welcome the giving of others.
The beauty in being vulnerable is that we enter into more intimate relationship with those who support us. The inspiring part of being vulnerable is that others' faithfulness to God and generosity with us will encourage not only my family but those we tell our story to. Maybe the option of whether I want to be vulnerable or not needs to be taken away from our family. Perhaps our new adventure includes bringing us back into the fold of what a true biblical community looks and feels like. Oh, how I would like to control this entire situation, but for now I will rest in the knowledge that there is ONE who is in control and His plan is bigger, better and more beautiful than our plan.
If I am going to write or teach about vulnerability and intimacy with Jesus and with the body of Christ, I may just need to live that out LOUDLY and BOLDLY. Because you see, It Starts With Me.